new me

i am letting go of pain...

pain of the past and pain of the present. it is a trash bag i have been carrying and adding more as i go. i'm letting pain go and leaving it in the dumpster and walking away from it...

i am letting go of jealousy...

i am secretly jealous over everything. of glitter and gold, of intelligence and wit, of beauty and grace. my time will come...

i am letting go of anger....

i am angry because things don't go my way, angry at not having, angry at wanting. i am letting go of the anger and letting peace in...

i am letting go of sadness...

i am sad because i have been let down, sad that i am not who i want to be, sad that i cannot have what i want. i am letting go of sadness and letting happiness in...

i am letting go of grudge....

i hold a grudge against all who have done me wrong, those who betrayed me, those who pulled me down for their ascent... i am letting go of grudge and letting forgiveness in...

i am letting go of the old me and letting the new me take over....

i am letting go...

i am free...

Crossroads

I am at the crossroads again. I do not know which path to take. A few months ago, there were none and now it criss-crosses in front of me and leaves me confused just the same. Dear God, give me directions on which one to take this time. My thoughts are jumbled and each thought going over the next. You know best - please hold my hand and lead me again...

thank you...

thank you for showing me that there are nice people left about. thank you for wonderful parents. thank you for wonderful "better-halfs". thank you for the ever loyal car that patiently brings me to places i need to go. thank you for another wonderful prospect of opportunity to day. thank you for removing the bitterness in my heart as each day passes. thank you for letting me see the good in other people when i would normally hate them. thank you for teaching me humility. thank you for my new lease on life. :-)

NEW DAY

I got an inspiration from my ex-officemate's blog. Well, he doesn't know (until tonight) that I have been peeking into his blog after I found it accidentally. I found his blog interesting and I have learned a little more about him with the tidbits of clues that he has written:

"Anyway.. i think i have adjusted well with my new company as i’m looking forward to be in office everyday. No more excuses to burn just to let my self absent from my previous. Wahahaha. My finances are quite OK already. Life has been fair. Love hasn’t. Clients have been cooperative. Sleep is normal. Blood pressure is Normal. Henyetah is ok. I am ok. You are ok... Today is December 1, 2008. I’ll mark this day as a new day for me."

I have been moping and sulking for the past two months because things were not going my way. I have blamed everybody I could. If inanimate objects are "blamable" I would have blamed it too. While I was wasting away, this guy has actually climbed his mountain, reached his star and finally he has found the joy that has been eluding him for so long.

December 1 has been his turning point, I would mark mine as December 3. Today, things have started looking up for me. I hope it will stay that way until I climb my own mountain, reach my own star and find the joy that has been eluding me for so long. ;-)

thank you...

Thank you for the new day. Thank for for the new opportunity that presented itself today. Thank you for the delicious dinner. Thank you for making friends. Thank you for the cheese-topped-ensaymada. Thank you for the beautiful multicoloured lights that brightened my night. Thank you for my wonderful husband. Thank you for giving Richard O. the "new him" he deserves.

thank you...

i have laughed and yet my heart is devoid of joy...

i have held gold in my hands but it didn't shine...


i have been honest and yet i feel cheated...


i have made an effort to be nice but people are mean...


i have been running from the ghosts of my past but they always seem to find me...

i have been chasing the silver lining of my future but it is elusive...


i have cried and felt desolate and yet i found the courage to move on...


i have fallen and stumbled, and yet i moved ahead even if i had to crawl...


i picked my self up and started walking again...



and though i am in a quagmire, i see firm land on the other side...


thank you God, for holding my hand all the way...

COMPATIBLE

For: My true

Aquarius With Sagittarius:There will never be dull moments with these two and together they could experience their most memorable moments of life with their friends and family at their side. Social groups, entertainment and sporting events will keep the relationship stimulating. Both need independence and share similar creative abilities. These two can really have fun! But, the Sagittarian finds the Aquarian too detached, so that stops this from being the perfect match.

aquarius and sagittarius - compatibility rank = 9 (10 is best)

These two share a great zest for living and a forward-looking viewpoint. Neither will try to tie down the other. Both seek to explore possibilities to the fullest, and they share idealism about love and life. They'll like each other too. The combination usually has a great chance for success. Both temperaments are very much alike. This is a purely social combination that will revel in a large group of friends and public-spirited associates.

COLOR TEST

After having the Self worth test, I was now very curious about the personality tests online. I saw tests for emploment, love tests, abstract reasong etc. I am really not in the mood to get my brain cells working, specially as it is way past my bed time. I chose the Color Quiz (http://www.colorquiz.com/) because a) this is very simple b) it should be fun. All I had to do was to choose the color that made me "happy the most". So I did. The results were amusing:

Your Existing Situation
Readily participates in things affording excitement or stimulation. Wants to feel exhilarated.

Yes, I agree with that!

Your Stress Sources
Wishes to be independent, unhampered, and free from any limitation or restriction, other than those which she imposes of herself or by her own choice and decision.

Being the Aquarian that I am, "limitation" & "restriction" is not in my vocabulary. (*wink!*wink!)

Your Restrained Characteristics
Believes that she is not receiving her share--that she is neither properly understood or adequately appreciated. Feels that she is being compelled to conform, and close relationships leave her without any sense of emotional involvement.
Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity, but tries to avoid conflict.

...i think agree with the sexual activity part..

Your Desired Objective
Needs a change in her circumstances or in her relationships which will permit relief from stress. Seeking a solution which will open up new and better possibilities and allow hopes to be fulfilled.

...I hope the solution comes soon before I go crazy...

Your Actual Problem
Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.

...the laws of deduction or reduction??

PERSONALITY ASSESSMENT TEST (I)

I recently took a Personality Assessment test (http://www.2h.com/details/do-you-believe-in-yourself.html) just for the heck of it. I think I am comfortable with my self and I know my worth. But Lo and behold! the results said other wise:

Sense of Self-Worth Score: 45
Your results indicate that your opinion of yourself is generally positive, but your sense of self-worth isn’t as strong as it could be. You sometimes put yourself down, falling victim to your own self-depreciating statements. An unstable sense of self-worth can result from a wide range of factors: perhaps you've recently gone through a particularly difficult period in your life, or you didn't get the support you needed from others when you were growing up. The important thing however, is not to figure out who/what is to blame; it is to recognize that it's now up to you to boost your self-image. There are certain attitudes and beliefs that have been found to contribute to and "feed" a negative self-image, and you appear to have some of them. Examples would be believing that you don’t deserve to be loved or respected, believing that you’re not good enough for someone, and focusing only on your perceived faults rather than good qualities. While you may not necessarily feel all of these things all of the time, there may be a few that are ingrained in your mindset to the point that they are surely affecting your life. You may not even realize it, but these beliefs can discourage you from pursuing your goals, cause you unnecessary stress, and even become self-fulfilling prophecies. A slight change in mindset could really make a difference in your life.

My brain recognized the words "putting yourself down" & "self depreciating statements" and immediately went on the defensive mode. I had to read the results over and try to ascertain whether I have been acting/feeling this way. Come to think of it, I may have. Usually, I am unable to take compliments feeling that a) it's not true or b) I am embarassed to accept the compliment.

Although these results may not be one hundred percent accurate has raised alarm bells. I have to do something about it. I have to gain my self-worth, I have to be proud of my self. Having analyzed this, I made up a little list to help me out:

a) I will accept compliments with pleasure

b) I will take critisicms correctly

c) I will instruct my brain to learn from the mistakes I make and be wiser the second time around

d) I will be pleasant to be with

e) I will be secure and believe my husband when he says he loves me

I will keep reminding myself these five things and try the test in one month to see if I made any improvements...

I sall soon find out!

THANK YOU

thank you for the food on our table. thank you for the home we do not have to pay ent for. thank you for the car that brings us wherever we want to. thank you for the computer that allows me to put my rants, frustrations and creativity in writing. thank you for the sunshine that dries out my laundry. thank you for my morning tea and his morning coffee. thank you for us not getting sick. thank you you for cellphones that allows us to get in touch with the people we love. thank you for the strength that allows us to get through everyday's downs. thank you for the fun we have every day. thank for allowing us to be stronger. thank you for the understanding. thank you for sticking it out with me even if i'm intolerable. thank you for the income that we get. thank you for our lives today. thank you for opening my eyes that everyday is a new day and everything is going to be ok.

will you let me go?

she said: (in a fit of tears and hitting) i hate you!
he said: why, what did I do to you?
she said: i hate you! (and continues to hit him and cries harder)
he said: stop it! (he kicks her in "self-defense")
she said: I HATE YOU! (sits on the bed, cries some more until she's dried out)
she said: i'm sorry. i want to leave.
he said: why?
she said: because you are pulling me down.
he said: (doesn't say anything yet) is that how you feel?
she said: yes
he said: (with conviction) oh, as soon as you get a job you can leave. i will pray you get the job but i'm not going with you.
she said: (screaming in her head, "whatt????") you're letting me go?
he said: (he looks at her with a straight face and says in a firm voice,) yes. if that's what makes you happy. i hope you get the job. i will pray you get the job
she said: (she actually doesn't know what to say. she didn't expect this) don't you love me?
he said: i love you. but my happiness is based on your happiness. so if that makes you happy, then go

(he walks out. she stares at his receding back and notices that he is firm with his answer. she realizes that this is it, this may be the end of all of their four years together. she sits on the bed, not knowing what to do or what to say. she just sits there)

My ex-officemate's blog

While the washing machine was churning away, I went online, looking for nothing specific. I checked the updated showbiz web pages (same old celebrity angst), checked the movies (everybody still hyped over Twilight), checked the jobs website (still nothing there for me) and finally googled the names of people I know. To my surprise, I discovered a website of a former colleague.

I got curious and sneaked in to his website. It is a collection of random thoughts, rants, movie reviews, photos and many more. He didn't strike me as a writer, nor did I think that he had anything interesting to share. I was amused about the things he had on his website. His angst over his job in the company where we used to work for gave me an idea of how he really felt. It didn't strike me that he was struggling then, it looks like he was keeping it to himself.

He had several entries about the love of his life - I really didn't expect him to have one because he is sooo childish, and I told him to "grow up!" more than once. Now I realize he is a softie and hopelessly in love with a Juliet in his own Shakespeare world.

I also discovered that he is getting good at photography and I am learning a lot about this office mate I didn't quite like before through his pictures. When he bought his SLR camera, I was certain that he was just catching up on the bandwagon because three of our officemates had the same SLR cameras.

I am pretty amused and laugh at how misled I was about him. I'll let him know when I see him and ask about his Juliet in his perfect little Shakespeare world.

UNEMPLOYED

This is my 57th day of unemployment. In the first 30days, my lethargic ass has grown out of proportion and my bed is my sole comfort. I try to get up and walk around, tinker a bit but most of the time I just stare up at the ceiling.

As soon as November stepped in, I decided I would go job hunting. How hard could it be? With a meticulously prepared resumé and my being articulate would surely land me a job in no time. No sweat - or so I thought. I have gone to countless interviews - wore every possible attire that would read "professional", "strong", "confident" and "fun" and rode every means of transportation. My feet are starting to hurt and my eyes are watery and red and yet I haven't got a job yet.

On my nth failed interview I am reduced to tears, not even a nice cup of hot chocolate could cheer me up or my husband's silly "peanut-butter-jelly-time" antics could get a smile out of me. I am totally devastated. I blame my previous employer, blame my husband, blame the stupid HR who always seem not to know what they are talking about.

I spent quite sometime crying on my bed, in the car, during lunch and before I sleep. After sometime, I felt tired and dried up. I have to decide now whether I should go on, or just give it a break and let whatever is in store for me materialize. I also need to count my blessings because I am still blessed during this time of unemployment. I have:

1. A home that I do not have to pay rent for

2. A ten-year-old car which still serves as our means to get around

3. The food that we eat three times a day

4. A loving husband who tries to understand me even when I am intolerable

5. His loving family who support me - although this has not been said out loud, I "feel" their support

I have the basic things one needs to be able to survive plus a little more and I am truly thankful for it.

I also have dreams. Goals I want to achieve. A man I know said that if you "stop dreaming", that means you've given up and you stop learning. I have made a list of the things I want/dream and the reason for each:

1. MORE MONEY - Let's face it. every one wants to be rich. I am one of those who want to be able to shop without feeling guilty. I would like to be one of the housewives who salivate over stainless, non stick pans, La Germania Ovens, stuff from Ikea, a nice sofa, curtains and sheets that complement each other, a nice garden and maybe a fish or two. All these can be achieved if I had more money.

2. A JOB - Having a job empowers me, gives me self fulfillment and the possibilities of exploring new knowledge excites me.

3. GO BACK TO SCHOOL - The one thing that I have WANTED to do the moment I quit going to school is to GO BACK. When I quit school, I was smarter than those who actually toiled for four years in college. I wondered what they learned in school when they cannot even construct ONE sentence CORRECTLY. Now that I am older, I realise the importance of actually finishing a degree is very important for advancement in your present career or the next career you would like to embark on.

4. CLAIM CUSTODY OF MY DAUGHTER - The reason I lost her is something that could have been avoided. But for my own selfish reasons I chose the other and now I feel that my bond with her is not strong enough. I want her back. I want to mother her. I want to be her friend. I want her to be proud of me. This possibility will materialize and we will live happily ever after.

5. MY OWN HOUSE - At the moment I am enjoying a relationship where one of the BENEFITS is having a home without having to pay for rent. It's an old house which seems to trap the warm air inside and never ventilates, the sink leaks, the toilet flush is broken, the interior paint could have been better and the knick-knacks on the shelf should be placed in a box and tucked in the farthest corner of the store room.

I want my house to have a nice back yard, with a fishpond in the corner, Chinese bamboo trees lining the boundary in the back, a small garden with lettuce, herbs and tomatoes and a greenhouse for orchids.

I want to have a garage big enough for two cars, a lawn blanketed in bermuda with a torri signifying entrance to something serene and peaceful. I want a two story house with the height of the living room extending to the roof, with windows that can be opened for ventilation and some to open at the rooftop garden. I want granite countertops and pinewood cupboards. I want a master's bedroom with a walk-in closet, a bathtub good for two and a door that opens to the patio. I want... I want... I want... AND I WILL HAVE IT.

6. MY OWN CAR - Like I said being in a relationship has it's benefits. The scond of which is the ten year old car. I want my own car to be a big white four wheel drive. But ofcourse I need to take professional driving lessons because asking your husband to teach you is always a bad idea!!

7. LAP TOP - I want a laptop so I can use the computer wherever, whenever I am. For now, mostly on my bed. ;-)

...I can go on and on and on and I betcha this list will get longer and longer... And it should. Because on this 57th day of my unemployment, I decided I am not giving up. I will continue on, until I fulfill my dreams one by one and MORE.

DESPONDENT

DESPONDENT:

"feeling or showing extreme discouragement, dejection, or depression; implies a deep dejection arising from a conviction of the uselessness of further effort".

I couldn't agree more with Merriam-Webster. I have tried to push this thought in the farthest recesses of the gray matter swimming in my head but the persistent feeling does not go away.

My husband says that whatever I am experiencing right now is a phase and that it's temporary. I desperately want to believe him. I desperately hang on to Joel Osteen's words on having my Best Life Now. I desperately need to keep myself busy to take my mind off the discouragements that is being served on my plate everyday. But fighting the feeling makes it more persistent - almost tangible.

I would like to sit back and just allow myself to be sucked into the abyss of despair but the fear of not being able to come out of it is more frightening than being desolate.

I have to keep fighting, keep climbing to a higher ground. I will have to reinforce my fragile faith, and keep believing.

This is a phase, it is temporary and I WILL EMERGE THE VICTOR!

...ANGRY...

I have not been able to reach a goal for this month or the month before. I am utterly frustrated, hopelessly depressed and a total nutcase. At one moment I am laughing, the next minute the self pity crawls in and then I am angry. The person who bears the load at the receiving end is Trevor.

Sometimes I do not understand why he cannot understand what I am going through. There are times when people should be allowed to be sad, shed a tear, grieve.

He does try his very best to uplift my spirits, but after three minutes he is frustrated. I try to point this out to him but it ends in an argument. It's a constant roller coaster and as hard as it is to admit, most of it ismy fault.

So time for action plans and learning opportunities (so cliché, so call-center-like! anyway....)

I WILL STOP FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF

Whatever is happening in my life now is my OWN DOING. It is not because Pluto is in which house of which planet, not because other people are willing this but it's because of the choices I made. Whatever this is, is the consequence, the reaction to action, a phase in the process. And whatever this is, I will stop feeling sorry for myself and I will do everything to rise above it and come out as the conqueror and not the conquered.

I WILL CONTROL MY TEMPER

I was born as timid and push over until I decided that I will stand up on my defense. I think I have overdone it. The smallest slight a person does to me can fuel a big fire. I am like a tense rubber band, ready to snap. I will control my temper and not be furious that Trevor does not remember things, or that he tries to get away with something, or that he says the wrong thing when he tries to console me.

I WILL BE PATIENT

I am never patient. I want things done "yesterday" and I want to have things "yesterday". This has usually caused people to hold a grudge on me. I will be patient enough to remind Trevor again and again what the PIN to his ATM card is, or what seats are taken when buying tickets for the movies, or to remind him to cut down on cigarettes and to go on a diet.

I WILL STOP HITTING TREVOR

Sometimes I cannot put words to my frustration, I do not know how to let it out. The easiest way? - hit something or someone and the most convenient recipient is Trevor (Poor guy. How does he tolerate me? Actually, sometimes he doesn't..) I will stop hitting (Trevor) the only person who is on my side and who loves me more than anything else. I'll try to hit something else instead. My head?

I will work on a better me. I will enjoy life. I will smile. I will be me.

surreality

I stood in the background, watching them talk amongst themselves, watching their facial expressions, that of happiness or sadness, anger or bitterness or just plain blank expressions. I heard their innermost thoughts - I don't know how but it came to me as clear as water, each word as clear as the sound of a bell. I saw their colors, representing their emotions and I saw it change. The whispered words reached my ear, not knowing how I understood each word though it was said in secrecy.

This is surreal, this is not what I have traded everything for, this is not it.

I turned my back... took a step and went out the door.

I never looked back again.

NORMALITY

I envy “abnormal” people. They are lucky, having the ability to laugh everything off, or probably just at everything.


“Normal” people struggle with every itty-bitty details of life. From what to wear for work, which shoes go with the bag and should I blow dry or not (now you realize that I am a woman)?

Everything is a challenge from going up four flights of stairs (yes, the lift broke down again) only to find a throng of people trying to squeeze in that itty-bitty door of the thing that gets you to work and ah! - the sticky sweet smell of sweat and sticky-something-else odour of the person next to you and the strong cheap perfume of the lady who forced herself in a size 8 when she actually is a size 10. At last, you reach your destination. But as always, you have to wait for ages for the lifts to come down (actually, lift - as today, all the other’s broke down and only one is working.) and try to be in front of everybody when the doors open without them actually noticing that you are cutting in (Shame! Shame! Shame!).

A little bit of a sigh of relief when you reach your office door, but remembered that you left your desk in a clutter because you were already brain dead by 5:30 yesterday. Just an itty-bitty fix here and there and it looks a little less cluttered (only a little, but works for you!) Ah… finally -- the chair actually feels good after all that work out! But, don’t celebrate yet because your mailbox has actually 300 unread e-mails, and all of them marked either, URGENT!, ASAP!, TOP URGENT!, SUPER URGENT!. Well, at least you don’t have one that says URGENT ABOVE ALL MARKED URGENT, ASAP, TOP URGENT! or SUPER URGENT! Every possible disaster, memo, and bad news churn in your head as your index fingers hovers over your mouse to open it… Sweat dots your upper lip and your tummy feels weird and you start to look weird and by this time the “Jaws” musical score is very real. What the heck, open it and get it done and over with.. open the next one and do the same and the next, and the next and the next…

At 5:29 you don’t notice that you have to go home by now because you have been brain dead already thirty minutes ago.. and yet you witness a miracle as your mind tells you to wake up at 5:30 and tells you to go home. You leave your desk a clutter again, and as usual none of the lifts work, so you take the service elevator, another struggle through the itty-bitty door of the thing that - this time, brings you home. And then, thank God, you take stairs going DOWN.

You fall asleep before you know it, waking up in your work clothes not remembering how you got home and struggle with which shoes match the bag….

THIRTY

A step towards thirty and I felt that I am amidst uncertainty in my life. It has been bugging me for the longest time and I have asked myself countless times whether there is more to… THIS… Call it retrospection or pre-midlife crisis but I feel its fangs biting into my soul.

I sat on my bed for the longest time when I should already be preparing for work. But I just couldn’t get my legs to support me and I couldn’t bring myself to the bathroom for a shower… instead I sat in the darkness, seeing myself from the outside, looking in trying to determine whether I am missing something.

I have been misdirected. I was looking in the wrong direction. I was searching for the wrong purpose.

Lying beside me is the reason for it all, the reason for my new lease on life. Turbulent as it may have been, we have learned to ride the waves and the calm shore is a short distance away.

What I have is more than enough. It only isn’t enough when you want more. And sadly, I wanted more for whatever reason – I do not know. This want was eating me up replacing my simple joy to sadness, frustration and anger.

I now have people around me who truly care for me, who have been there all along. I am a part of them as much as they are a part of me.

The family I had then is still a part of me and in some ways STILL my family. I am eternally grateful for their understanding and acceptance and the new friendship that has formed after one has been severed.

Everything is falling in it’s place, the pieces fit together.. and somehow, though it my not be the perfect and immaculate happiness I was searching for, I now know I have found me.

BEING A WOMAN...

The pain of being a woman is killing me.

Being a woman means you have to look decent when you have coffee on your patio – brush your hair, have decent clothes or else you’d scare every kid that passes by your house with your hurricane-torn-do, rumpled and crumpled and hopefully not inside out pj’s and bloodshot eyes!

Being a woman means having to make yourself up every morning, careful to draw your eyebrows with precision, making sure that each arch is geometrically identical!

Being a woman means smiling through your melting make up, praying that it does not leave any colorful streaks on your face while lining up to get a ride.

Being a woman means you have to be color coordinated, the prints of your top should compliment your skirt or pants or at least they match, or your purse or bag should match the color of your shoes.

Being a woman means you have to take several trips to the bathroom, making sure your ass does not touch the toilet seat, and flushing the toilet with your foot. But some toilets have the flush button on top of the water tank making it really difficult to flush with your feet.

Being a woman means checking and rechecking how you look on a full length mirror and if you only have the pocket-sized ones, it should be at a certain angle to enable you to see your reflection. Just imagine if you only have a compact mirror and you would have to twist your body in one direction and actually twist your neck to be able to look in the opposite direction while holding it!

Being a woman means you check your reflection on anything that actually shows your reflection, shop windows (this usually entails crashing onto oncoming human traffic), car windows (you usually miss the go sign for pedestrians when you do this), elevator mirrors (it’s quite hard to check your reflection if the elevator is packed and you may also miss your floor) and any freaking shiny surface!

Being a woman means you have to have a bag inside a bag that has all your make up. Your bag is actually a container for anything and everything: wallet, medicines, a brush or comb, set of keys, cell phone, sometimes two, an i-pod, perfume, pictures for Identification cards (just in case you need them), one or two pens, an umbrella.. etc.. etc... Good thing they make mini versions of everything or else every woman will be lugging a suit case to work!

Being a woman means you cannot pig out – well at least for some. I pig out. (secretly… hehe) You actually order a salad for lunch BUT you buy a tall mocha frappe which is half whipped cream!

Being a woman means you have to endure walking on four-inch stilettos to a meeting and try not to show how you would very much like to take off the damn stilettos and walk barefoot!

Being a woman means you cannot go straight to bed and sleep, you have to wash your face, wipe your make up off -- only to put gazillion tons of cream on it again and hope to wake up beautiful.

Good thing it’s a Saturday today (no work! Yey!) and I can look like shit all day.