...ANGRY...

I have not been able to reach a goal for this month or the month before. I am utterly frustrated, hopelessly depressed and a total nutcase. At one moment I am laughing, the next minute the self pity crawls in and then I am angry. The person who bears the load at the receiving end is Trevor.

Sometimes I do not understand why he cannot understand what I am going through. There are times when people should be allowed to be sad, shed a tear, grieve.

He does try his very best to uplift my spirits, but after three minutes he is frustrated. I try to point this out to him but it ends in an argument. It's a constant roller coaster and as hard as it is to admit, most of it ismy fault.

So time for action plans and learning opportunities (so cliché, so call-center-like! anyway....)

I WILL STOP FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF

Whatever is happening in my life now is my OWN DOING. It is not because Pluto is in which house of which planet, not because other people are willing this but it's because of the choices I made. Whatever this is, is the consequence, the reaction to action, a phase in the process. And whatever this is, I will stop feeling sorry for myself and I will do everything to rise above it and come out as the conqueror and not the conquered.

I WILL CONTROL MY TEMPER

I was born as timid and push over until I decided that I will stand up on my defense. I think I have overdone it. The smallest slight a person does to me can fuel a big fire. I am like a tense rubber band, ready to snap. I will control my temper and not be furious that Trevor does not remember things, or that he tries to get away with something, or that he says the wrong thing when he tries to console me.

I WILL BE PATIENT

I am never patient. I want things done "yesterday" and I want to have things "yesterday". This has usually caused people to hold a grudge on me. I will be patient enough to remind Trevor again and again what the PIN to his ATM card is, or what seats are taken when buying tickets for the movies, or to remind him to cut down on cigarettes and to go on a diet.

I WILL STOP HITTING TREVOR

Sometimes I cannot put words to my frustration, I do not know how to let it out. The easiest way? - hit something or someone and the most convenient recipient is Trevor (Poor guy. How does he tolerate me? Actually, sometimes he doesn't..) I will stop hitting (Trevor) the only person who is on my side and who loves me more than anything else. I'll try to hit something else instead. My head?

I will work on a better me. I will enjoy life. I will smile. I will be me.