UNEMPLOYED

This is my 57th day of unemployment. In the first 30days, my lethargic ass has grown out of proportion and my bed is my sole comfort. I try to get up and walk around, tinker a bit but most of the time I just stare up at the ceiling.

As soon as November stepped in, I decided I would go job hunting. How hard could it be? With a meticulously prepared resumé and my being articulate would surely land me a job in no time. No sweat - or so I thought. I have gone to countless interviews - wore every possible attire that would read "professional", "strong", "confident" and "fun" and rode every means of transportation. My feet are starting to hurt and my eyes are watery and red and yet I haven't got a job yet.

On my nth failed interview I am reduced to tears, not even a nice cup of hot chocolate could cheer me up or my husband's silly "peanut-butter-jelly-time" antics could get a smile out of me. I am totally devastated. I blame my previous employer, blame my husband, blame the stupid HR who always seem not to know what they are talking about.

I spent quite sometime crying on my bed, in the car, during lunch and before I sleep. After sometime, I felt tired and dried up. I have to decide now whether I should go on, or just give it a break and let whatever is in store for me materialize. I also need to count my blessings because I am still blessed during this time of unemployment. I have:

1. A home that I do not have to pay rent for

2. A ten-year-old car which still serves as our means to get around

3. The food that we eat three times a day

4. A loving husband who tries to understand me even when I am intolerable

5. His loving family who support me - although this has not been said out loud, I "feel" their support

I have the basic things one needs to be able to survive plus a little more and I am truly thankful for it.

I also have dreams. Goals I want to achieve. A man I know said that if you "stop dreaming", that means you've given up and you stop learning. I have made a list of the things I want/dream and the reason for each:

1. MORE MONEY - Let's face it. every one wants to be rich. I am one of those who want to be able to shop without feeling guilty. I would like to be one of the housewives who salivate over stainless, non stick pans, La Germania Ovens, stuff from Ikea, a nice sofa, curtains and sheets that complement each other, a nice garden and maybe a fish or two. All these can be achieved if I had more money.

2. A JOB - Having a job empowers me, gives me self fulfillment and the possibilities of exploring new knowledge excites me.

3. GO BACK TO SCHOOL - The one thing that I have WANTED to do the moment I quit going to school is to GO BACK. When I quit school, I was smarter than those who actually toiled for four years in college. I wondered what they learned in school when they cannot even construct ONE sentence CORRECTLY. Now that I am older, I realise the importance of actually finishing a degree is very important for advancement in your present career or the next career you would like to embark on.

4. CLAIM CUSTODY OF MY DAUGHTER - The reason I lost her is something that could have been avoided. But for my own selfish reasons I chose the other and now I feel that my bond with her is not strong enough. I want her back. I want to mother her. I want to be her friend. I want her to be proud of me. This possibility will materialize and we will live happily ever after.

5. MY OWN HOUSE - At the moment I am enjoying a relationship where one of the BENEFITS is having a home without having to pay for rent. It's an old house which seems to trap the warm air inside and never ventilates, the sink leaks, the toilet flush is broken, the interior paint could have been better and the knick-knacks on the shelf should be placed in a box and tucked in the farthest corner of the store room.

I want my house to have a nice back yard, with a fishpond in the corner, Chinese bamboo trees lining the boundary in the back, a small garden with lettuce, herbs and tomatoes and a greenhouse for orchids.

I want to have a garage big enough for two cars, a lawn blanketed in bermuda with a torri signifying entrance to something serene and peaceful. I want a two story house with the height of the living room extending to the roof, with windows that can be opened for ventilation and some to open at the rooftop garden. I want granite countertops and pinewood cupboards. I want a master's bedroom with a walk-in closet, a bathtub good for two and a door that opens to the patio. I want... I want... I want... AND I WILL HAVE IT.

6. MY OWN CAR - Like I said being in a relationship has it's benefits. The scond of which is the ten year old car. I want my own car to be a big white four wheel drive. But ofcourse I need to take professional driving lessons because asking your husband to teach you is always a bad idea!!

7. LAP TOP - I want a laptop so I can use the computer wherever, whenever I am. For now, mostly on my bed. ;-)

...I can go on and on and on and I betcha this list will get longer and longer... And it should. Because on this 57th day of my unemployment, I decided I am not giving up. I will continue on, until I fulfill my dreams one by one and MORE.