THIRTY

A step towards thirty and I felt that I am amidst uncertainty in my life. It has been bugging me for the longest time and I have asked myself countless times whether there is more to… THIS… Call it retrospection or pre-midlife crisis but I feel its fangs biting into my soul.

I sat on my bed for the longest time when I should already be preparing for work. But I just couldn’t get my legs to support me and I couldn’t bring myself to the bathroom for a shower… instead I sat in the darkness, seeing myself from the outside, looking in trying to determine whether I am missing something.

I have been misdirected. I was looking in the wrong direction. I was searching for the wrong purpose.

Lying beside me is the reason for it all, the reason for my new lease on life. Turbulent as it may have been, we have learned to ride the waves and the calm shore is a short distance away.

What I have is more than enough. It only isn’t enough when you want more. And sadly, I wanted more for whatever reason – I do not know. This want was eating me up replacing my simple joy to sadness, frustration and anger.

I now have people around me who truly care for me, who have been there all along. I am a part of them as much as they are a part of me.

The family I had then is still a part of me and in some ways STILL my family. I am eternally grateful for their understanding and acceptance and the new friendship that has formed after one has been severed.

Everything is falling in it’s place, the pieces fit together.. and somehow, though it my not be the perfect and immaculate happiness I was searching for, I now know I have found me.