THE WOLVES

The wolves are not too hostile today. They bare their teeth at me from a distance. I can hear them growling but they do not come closer. The fear I had of them turned into quiet resignation, annoyance and now, it's simply silly and funny.

I may have been stupid trying to domesticate wolves. After all, like they say, they are still wild animals. And wild animals they shall remain - wild animals I will soon have on a leash.

BACK IN THE WOLVES DEN

There I was, amidst the morning mob, trying not to be crushed as everybody geared up to get in the train doors. With no practice for six months, it took four trains before I was able to ride. Through the doors and into the train, back to back and side to side, sweat mingling against sweat and inhaling anothers breath.

This is the life I swore not to return to, yet here I am, lining up to get on to the lifts. Butterflies were slamming in my stomach, sweat was forming at the back of my neck and I was picturing an unwelcoming party with their teeth bared as the door opened ----

The door opened to an unkempt office and a bathroom I will not even attempt to describe. Beyong the mess were two people I knew deserved my respect. The rest couldn't care less. I am invisible as they walked in, my greetings fell on deaf ears. I was sent to a corner desk and I felt alone, pitied myself and almost cried.

Tomorrow will be different, I will walk in with confidence, march on and show them. I will be the victor. I have returned to conquer the wolves.

THE RETURN - part 1

Today is Sunday - practically the last day of my bummin' around. Tomorrow I am officially one of them elbow shoving, sweat stained commuters fighting for a ride at the Metro Rail. I will also be at the mercy of slave driver bosses - that's right, I will be smack in the middle of things again - something I gave up on but obviously cannot get away from.

I should be excited and proud that I have been asked to rejoin the company I left last year but I cannot deny that I've got butterflies in my stomach and it feels like it is full of acid. I may be overacting or maybe I am not giving enough credit to the people who I will be working with again. I honestly do not know.



I pray that tomorrow will be a successful day for me - I don't mind being left alone - but I hope nobody steps on my toes because I will not be a sheep this time!

DILLEMMA

Today was one hectic day.

Woke up at 6 am and rushed out the door at 7:30 am. Why so early? I had a "supposed" job offer at Star Cruises at Pasay City. I figured it would be a long drive, and it was, and what was worse we made a wrong turn and ended up at NAIA 1 when we were supposed to be at NAIA 3. We got there on time anyway with ten minutes to spare for a smoke break (Thanks to my dada's driving skills).

When I got there, I had to wait for a few minutes for the person in charge to attend to me. What I thought would be a 30-minute process for me to make my decision in the next 10 minutes turned out to be a whole day dillemma.

You see, I was unemployed for six looong months. I've gotten depressed and angry, and then complacent and mere lazy. My Boss from my previous employment came to my rescue asking me to work for her again. Despite all the reservations I had - from delayed salaries, to unprofessional co-workers & the instability of the company - I agreed to go back, after all the salary is exceptional and I wanted to work again instead of wasting brain cells from watching stupid television shows. But most of all - I agreed because my boss is my friend, and she asked me if my going back would be my birthday gift to her.

A week after, I received a call from Star Cruises informing me that I got the job I applied for way back December. This is something new and exciting - I will be one of the first batches of employees to work at the Newport City (The new Fort-Bonifacio-like area in Pasay, across NAIA 3) and also, I believe that this company is more stable than my old one. I am pretty sure that this company has perks too - like incentives and other benefits which again my old company doesn't have BUT only half my pay is taxable.

I am to start work at my old company on Monday and the Job offer will be discussed on Monday as well - I'm supposed to make a decision today but my brain is mush, I have a terrible headache and my thoughts are going around in circles...

...also, my bed is seducing me to succumb into the lull of my soffft sofft pillow and my snuggly blanket...

I am losing the struggle, I will give in to my bed. I will pray for a sign and make the decision the moment I wake up.

Zzzzzzzz.....

SCARED

I have become a sheep. My assetiveness is gone, my energy fizzed out and the strong chin that jutted out is now tucked in. I am scared to take chances, scared to mingle with society and secure my niche in it. The strength is now only a facade, the knowing glinkt in my eye now only a dull shadow.

I can only but sigh and wonder what has happened. Like a sheep content in a feild of luscious green, I do not move where the greens look robust and bursting with life. I am rooted in a spot, my legs unwilling to move lest I fall down. I see the opportunities at a distance, my eyes tear up and yet I can't move.

Ahhh... I am a sheep....

Bahhhhhh

LOST

Another let down... one of the many since October last year. I really do not know what I am doing wrong. I know I have the ability and the intelligence to be an asset to a company I work for. But given my experiences, it is as though employers single me out to be someone who will not be able to make it. I am tempted to scream and tear my hair out but there might be a rational explanation for this, or in the "unmundane" world, there may be a reason and a purpose for all of this.

I have a brave face on because I do not want the people around me to get affected by my current mood. Inside, I am ready to recede into my shell. But I do not want to give up - I want to continue climbing my mountain of defeats - how to do this is beyond me. The peak of success is in sight however the trail is missing.

I am lost, lost, lost...

Enter 2009 - new year, new resolutions, new prospects. Hopefully the negativity of the previous year is tucked away in a box, and stored in the farthest corner of our brain to collect dust and cobwebs. It is inevitable that we face this year with a bit of trepidation, afterall, everybody has been forecasting doom and gloom. To someone who is unemployed at the moment, maybe I am not concerned enough. I should be. But then, I have a home I do not have to pay for, I have daily sustenance and aside from the boredom I experience at the moment, I can say I am worry free.

The only weight on my mind as of the moment is the impending graduation of my brother from college (whoopee! finally, after 9 years!) and my daughter's graduation from Elementary school. As always, graduation means fulfillment for those who achieved this milestone and pride for those who watch them. My concern is that I am unable to give these two people a meaningful graduation gift. It would have meant cash for shopping - which I don't have or a promise of a trip to Disneyland when I was still financially capable - which, still, I don't have. Alas, they would have to settle on somethng less than that. Though I do hope a miracle would happen!

Another thing would be the thought of my daughter entering the world of High school and boys, peer pressure and temptation. I remember my days as a teen-ager and it is not a good memory. There were some highlights, like winning the Quiz Bee or the Junior High Pageant. Other than that, most of it is locked in that box collecting dust and cobwebs. Like all parents, I pray that she go through this period with wisdom and courage.

At thirty, it is almost impossible for me to accept that I will be having a teen-age daghter. This is certainly a daunting task for parents and other people sorrounding this teen ager. I am not that concerned though, because my daughter is one of a kind - sweet, mature, and most of all she knows respect. Although my marriage to her father did not work out (and memories of that is also tucked away!) we certainly did a good job explaining to her what happened and we have acted like adults around her. How she wishes to proceed despite this fact is up to her, but it is not really a concern.

Hayyy... New year, new beginnings, but most importantly, new hopes! Let mine begin!