SCARED

I have become a sheep. My assetiveness is gone, my energy fizzed out and the strong chin that jutted out is now tucked in. I am scared to take chances, scared to mingle with society and secure my niche in it. The strength is now only a facade, the knowing glinkt in my eye now only a dull shadow.

I can only but sigh and wonder what has happened. Like a sheep content in a feild of luscious green, I do not move where the greens look robust and bursting with life. I am rooted in a spot, my legs unwilling to move lest I fall down. I see the opportunities at a distance, my eyes tear up and yet I can't move.

Ahhh... I am a sheep....

Bahhhhhh

LOST

Another let down... one of the many since October last year. I really do not know what I am doing wrong. I know I have the ability and the intelligence to be an asset to a company I work for. But given my experiences, it is as though employers single me out to be someone who will not be able to make it. I am tempted to scream and tear my hair out but there might be a rational explanation for this, or in the "unmundane" world, there may be a reason and a purpose for all of this.

I have a brave face on because I do not want the people around me to get affected by my current mood. Inside, I am ready to recede into my shell. But I do not want to give up - I want to continue climbing my mountain of defeats - how to do this is beyond me. The peak of success is in sight however the trail is missing.

I am lost, lost, lost...

Enter 2009 - new year, new resolutions, new prospects. Hopefully the negativity of the previous year is tucked away in a box, and stored in the farthest corner of our brain to collect dust and cobwebs. It is inevitable that we face this year with a bit of trepidation, afterall, everybody has been forecasting doom and gloom. To someone who is unemployed at the moment, maybe I am not concerned enough. I should be. But then, I have a home I do not have to pay for, I have daily sustenance and aside from the boredom I experience at the moment, I can say I am worry free.

The only weight on my mind as of the moment is the impending graduation of my brother from college (whoopee! finally, after 9 years!) and my daughter's graduation from Elementary school. As always, graduation means fulfillment for those who achieved this milestone and pride for those who watch them. My concern is that I am unable to give these two people a meaningful graduation gift. It would have meant cash for shopping - which I don't have or a promise of a trip to Disneyland when I was still financially capable - which, still, I don't have. Alas, they would have to settle on somethng less than that. Though I do hope a miracle would happen!

Another thing would be the thought of my daughter entering the world of High school and boys, peer pressure and temptation. I remember my days as a teen-ager and it is not a good memory. There were some highlights, like winning the Quiz Bee or the Junior High Pageant. Other than that, most of it is locked in that box collecting dust and cobwebs. Like all parents, I pray that she go through this period with wisdom and courage.

At thirty, it is almost impossible for me to accept that I will be having a teen-age daghter. This is certainly a daunting task for parents and other people sorrounding this teen ager. I am not that concerned though, because my daughter is one of a kind - sweet, mature, and most of all she knows respect. Although my marriage to her father did not work out (and memories of that is also tucked away!) we certainly did a good job explaining to her what happened and we have acted like adults around her. How she wishes to proceed despite this fact is up to her, but it is not really a concern.

Hayyy... New year, new beginnings, but most importantly, new hopes! Let mine begin!